15. some thoughts on working in tech
A pretty important thing they don't always tell you about a career in cybersecurity
I have started and stopped variations of this essay too many times to count.
That’s the benefit, or maybe the disadvantage, I’m not quite sure, of this format. The non-scripted, non-managed, totally based on what I’m feeling, format here. For better or worse.
Sometimes I have these planned a few weeks in advance, a topic I slowly work on bit by bit. Other times I sit down and just… write. 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 60 minutes, whatever, sometimes it becomes something, other times it sits in my drafts folder for days, weeks, maybe to be posted lated, maybe to be thrown in the metaphorical trash can.
Sometimes it’s about cybersecurity, others it’s about my life, others it’s just about, literally whatever comes to mind, some conglomeration of all of the above.
Sometimes I just sit here, rehearsing the words in my head, how I want to talk about something, IF I want to talk about said thing.
Like tonight, I’m sitting here watching Mark play chess with a colleague of his, an individual I absolutely adore. And I just felt like getting this topic off my chest.
I know I’m not immune to this feeling, but one thing that I feel like is getting progressively worse as I move up in my career is this whole difficulty for men to take women seriously in certain workplaces, especially within tech/cybersecurity/etc. thing.
No matter how many times leadership tells me I’m doing a great job, and how many times people tell me how excited they are to have me in the organization, it is so insanely disheartening to then have other people consistently try to undermine you or go around you, especially when those are your direct reports.
I know they brought me in for a very specific reason and I know they believe in me.
That doesn’t excuse someone then ignoring every. single. thing. you. say.
Or ideas only being taken seriously if they come from a man, even if I’m told “that’s a great idea” when I say it. For it to only come to fruition weeks later when a male colleague brings up the same thing, as his own idea.
Or really, if I just give up and plant the seed in their head and let them have this great idea.
I have a lot of imposter syndrome, and despite constantly reminding myself of everything I’m capable of, there are days that I just want to throw in the towel and get into something not so male dominated.
Then logic comes back and I put my head down and just, deal with it, with the understanding that this is temporary. I’ll get my MBA, I’ll get some leadership experience, and then I can go do something else, somewhere else if it’s that bad.
Or. Maybe, hopefully, fingers crossed, do something for myself instead.
It’s a struggle to not gaslight my own self, while also keeping my confidence, without coming across as arrogant or cocky (which, let me tell you, is not easy for a female in tech).
And like I’ve mentioned here before, I have had some truly incredible male mentors in my life, so I know this isn’t how everyone behaves. But it sucks.
Just have to keep my head down and keep pushing forward. Make friends with the people who matter, forget about the rest. Be kind, but don’t let people walk all over me.
That’s it. That’s the story.
Thanks for sticking with me here. I’ll be back to regularly scheduled topics next week, maybe. But no promises for next week because I’ll be at a cyber conference in Seattle.
xx.